“It is painfully easy to define human beings. They are beings who, for no good reason at all, create their own unnecessary suffering.”
-Sōseki Natsume
Maybe it’s your job or career. Perhaps it’s a troubled relationship with a family member, a friend, or even with yourself. So often we find ourselves in a situation that makes us unhappy, with no idea how we’ve gotten there. Looking back in perfect hindsight, we think, “If only I had done that instead,” or “If only this were different.” Not only do we feel unhappy about the situation, but then we blame ourselves for not having taken a different course of action or having made a different decision. Or worse, we blame someone else and become unwilling to forgive, even developing a grudge. And in doing all of these things, we add extra suffering on top of the original unhappiness. It is precisely this desire for life to be different than it is, that is the source of so much needless suffering.
“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional”
-Haruki Murakami
Do not misunderstand; nobody is saying that pain is completely avoidable. Pain in life is inevitable and unavoidable. But the suffering is entirely optional. This is because, although nobody wants to admit it, most of our suffering is our own doing. So it is useful to ask oneself from time to time…
“What am I doing to create unnecessary suffering in my life?”
I used to have an anger management problem. From my late teenage years well into my twenties, I would sometimes react to anger with more anger, then rage and on a few occasions destructiveness… punching a hole in a door or smashing the nearest object that looked like it might lose in a fight. More than once, I walked away with bloody knuckles and damaged property, and still angry. But on top of the original anger, I had added more anger, and then physical pain, and finally guilt over my behavior. I was piling suffering on top of suffering, because I didn’t know how to do anything but react.
There is a saying that many people attribute to Alcoholic’s Anonymous that states, “One definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result.”
So where does one begin? How do we begin to actually apply these ideas when we are in the throes of some crisis or frustration? Over the years I have found these useful questions that I ask myself when I notice I am being reactive. Starting with….
“Is this helping?”
The idea is simple, but it requires us to distinguish being reactive from being mindful. Being reactive describes what most of us do without even thinking about it. Someone cuts us off in traffic and we get angry. A lifetime of practice has taught us to be reactive, and we continue to react without ever considering there may be an alternative.
“But that jerk cut me off,” you say. “I have a right to be angry!”
Of course you have a right to be angry, but…. How is that working for you? Is it helping? And how long would you like to stay angry? One more minute? Ten more minutes? The rest of the day? Are you really going to defend your right to suffer?
It’s useful to keep in mind that “every sixty seconds you are upset is a full minute of happiness you will never get back”. We have only so much time in this life, and none of us know when our’s will end. It’s up to us how we are going to spend the time we are given. At some point, we’ve got to answer another very important question:
“Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?”
Just because you have a right to be angry does not mean that you must be angry. You have a choice. And with practice you can escape the cycle of reactivity by being mindful. When we are reactive, we are at the mercy of our minds because we are living out every thought and emotion that arises. When we are mindful, we take back control and the mind becomes a powerful tool that we can use, instead of it using us. We can learn to short-circuit our reactivity and stop it in its tracks. We can learn to intentionally and consciously choose our next state of mind.
To do this, it is crucial to understand that you are not your thoughts and emotions. Thoughts and emotions come and go like the passing weather, but they don’t define you… unless you let them. Anger can come on like a thunderstorm, but you don’t have to run out into it and get all wet. You can choose to sit back in the shelter of mindful presence and simply observe the storm as it passes by. “That’s quite a storm! Thank goodness I didn’t get caught in it.”
This is not a denial of our thoughts and emotions, but rather a detached, non-judgmental acknowledgement. “I feel angry at the moment and that’s natural, but I’m not going down that road because being angry isn’t helping or making me happy. And I’m the one in charge here.”
In the example above, we first stop the reactive instinct by recognizing the anger as just another passing emotion. Secondly, we don’t make ourselves wrong for feeling angry, because we are human and it’s natural. Then, having stripped the emotion of its power over us, we have the clarity to proceed intentionally instead of reactively. “Am I going to stay angry and, if so, for how long? If not, what am I going to do instead?” In other words…
“Who am I going to be right now?“
Hint: It’s extremely helpful if you have decided this in advance.
When my son was about two years old, he began expressing his displeasure by throwing stuff: toys, sippy cups, or just whatever was handy when the spirit moved him. The throwing was always followed instantaneously by a tantrum. One morning, he got frustrated with a toy and threw it, shattering a pitcher on the kitchen counter. Shards of glass went flying and water spilled onto the floor.
I was livid… for about two seconds. Because that’s how long it took me to remember who I have decided to be as a father: Patience, Love and Consistency. And I can’t be any of those things while being angry. So I had to choose.
Two seconds to remember who I had decided to be as a father, and the anger was gone. Completely gone. I calmly walked over to my son, who now lay thrashing about on the floor and screaming. I picked him up and put him in time-out while I cleaned up the mess, grateful neither of us had gotten hurt. After a stern but calm talking-to, we hugged and went on to have a great day.
Had I simply reacted in anger or shouted, I would have probably scared my son, then felt guilty about it, creating additional and needless suffering for us both. Anger was not necessary to show him what he did was wrong. I was able to do that while still being Patience, Love and Consistency.
And that’s really what it’s all about: who are you going to be right now? Because if you are not busy being your every thought and emotion, then you have all the time and energy and freedom you need to be whoever and whatever it is you truly want.
Ask:
- What am I doing to create unnecessary suffering in my life?
- Is this helping?
- Would I rather be right, or would I rather be happy?
- Who am I going to be right now?
Remember:
We cannot stop our thoughts and emotions from knocking on the door, but we don’t have to invite them in for coffee.